An Appointment With My Past

art by Alexandra Gallagher

Reflection in my life is vital.  Actually it is not just me, it is essential for everyone. Not everyone does it the same, values it the same or even consciously participate with it.  I value reflection because it keep me aware of who I am and who I am not; what I portray and if it is true to who I am.  What I reflect may or may not be accepted by others and I then must reflect on who I am living for.  Reflection also assists in properly handling those emotions which arise in and around our life.

Not that I consciously pencil an appointment with my past on my calendar.  But as each year comes to a close and a new one is on the horizon, I always manage to look down the hallways of my life, do clean up on any untidy isle and attempt to merge the years into agreement before advancing.  As I began writing this out, I wrote “This January is amazingly different.  I am uncertain of exactly how; but that is exactly what excites me:  the discovery, the hope, the anticipation of the ……..unknown good!” 

If you know me at all, you know I had do a quick look.  Immediately I stumbled on 2 years ago and compared notes, before moving on.  Crazy thing is they align as if it were planned: (two years ago I wrote)  I resolve to be resolute in trusting God and pondering only His ways which are much higher than mine! What I settled today was how ambiguous I felt that a resolution is. Resolution, after all, is the act of resolving something; it is the act of answering.  God states not to lean on our own understanding but to seek Him in all our ways. 

Now, back to the future ;)   

To know what I feel….

and to feel what I know

Sometimes it appears that I can be the largest ambivalence in my own life’s equation.  Ambiguity has been the conflict of my life.  The confusion entered as I attempted to navigate through relationships where my own thoughts, feelings and will were not given room.  Having to figure out ways of dealing with the lack of resolve in my heart mind and soul created disagreement between who I was, who I wanted to become and who was going to be accepted by others.  

I have spent my whole life working on this great puzzle.  But what I realize now more than ever is God has been leading me back to who He formed, who I am in Christ and away from the worldly de-formed me.  The closer I come to Him the more I know what I feel and feel with resolve what I know to be real. 

God is faithful, true and just.  He is for us, even in us.  If we cannot believe what God says, we have no hope of knowing Him and if we cannot know Him we cannot love.  And what is life without love in our heart? Well….it is detachment, nothingness, isolation….isn’t that hell? 

Now I know what God meant: It is not good for man to be alone, I will make him a helper suitable for him.  Just as Adam and Eve had to know who they were, so they could use discretion as they thought, felt and moved, we must too.  Get to know God, not knowledge of good and evil.  Know truth, align your thoughts with it and become who He knows you to be. 

Because He loves us, and saved us in Christ ~

Kisses,

Candace

© Candace Huffmaster 2015, All Copy Rights Reserved

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